Stop Stressing – Sacred Time and Space

In addition to the way that stress becomes quite relentless and ever present in our lives, it also has a terrible habit of refusing to respect boundaries. No matter how we might assume that everything’s been taken care of, something always seems to come up to intrude into our few free moments and rob us of the rest we so desperately need.

The body has tremendous powers to recover from difficulties and exhaustion. This is why even people in terrible jobs with bad health still are able to get up every day and go back into it, grinding themselves against the stone – even a little bit of rest provides a recuperation of sorts. However, if not taken advantage of, this tendency will only draw out our exposure to and struggle with stress, delaying the inevitable breakdown that comes from high-stress living.

If we learn the process of establishing boundaries and creating opportunities to rest – instead of just utilizing them as they show up – we can multiply the power of this rejuvenating phenomenon so that we feel more calm, empowered and at ease with our lives.

Step 1 – Take Control

Again, stress will not stop intruding on its own. We have to make it stop by pushing it aside so that we have more room for our own happiness.

As part of our exercises, we’ve been keeping a stress log. Take the time to look yours over and find out what periods of each day are the least busy overall. Set these times aside and immediately let people know that this will be a period that you’re resting and not to be reached. In taking this step, you naturally create the space for yourself, instead of relying on reality to provide it for you and ending up frustrated when reality doesn’t cooperate.

Step 2 – Be Consistent

Remember that the key to successful habit building is to get into a timed routine that occurs on a schedule. It’s the activities we try to “get to when we can” that we’re most likely to cut in favor of scheduled or planned events, as we’ve learned before.

So you should put your relaxation time on as much of a schedule if possible. If you can, make it for the same time every day. If your day schedule swings around a lot, such as working day shifts early in the week and night shifts at the end of it, then adjust accordingly. For example, perhaps you can’t have a relaxing time at 5 p.m. every day because two days out of the week you’re engaged in work projects at 5 p.m. Move the relaxation on those two days to another time you can make work, and stick to that schedule.

Step 3 – Be Firm

The title of this article refers to the word “sacred” in the sense of something that can’t be argued with and shouldn’t be violated. In addition to making the necessary time available for yourself, you need to be absolutely firm in attending to it.

Our modern conveniences would have us believe that we need to be in absolutely constant contact at all hours of the day, but this really is an illusion. Almost everyone can do without reaching a certain person for many hours, and we are no different. So, when the time comes to engage in your appointed relaxation, take every step to make sure it is absolute.

If your relaxation time is set up so you need to be alone, turn off the computer and the phone entirely. If you have a landline, disconnect it, or set the voicemail to mute at least. The messages will be there when you’re done. If you absolutely must be available in the event of an emergency, clearly spell out to anyone what an emergency is – something requiring you to speak to the police or the paramedics is a good standard to start with.

If your relaxation time is set aside for being with friends, then follow similar measures. Let people know you will not answer any messages sent during your time with those friends, again with the same injunction about what really would be an emergency.

Step 4 – Be Creative

The specific nature of the rejuvenation you choose should be deeply personal and something you enjoy without reservation. Perhaps it’s a comfortable nap on the couch in the sunroom, or an hour spent reading a good book. Maybe it isn’t a daily event, but a weekly trip to the beach to enjoy the sun and fresh air. Maybe it’s just a good night out with friends singing karaoke.

Whatever you choose, make sure it’s something you look forward to doing. A great deal of the rejuvenating power of a preferred activity comes from anticipating how much fun or how relaxing it will be, and then being satisfied when it meets or even exceeds expectation. So leave yourself reminders of it where you can see or notice them, so that the delightful experience awaiting you will always be ahead in your mind.

This article previously published here.

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Larry Tobin is the co-creator of http://www.HabitChanger.com/, offering effective and empowering solutions for stopping stress. Try our 42-day program that will help you learn proactive habits to beat stress and keep you moving forward in the right direction.

Read more articles written by Larry Tobin

Losing Weight – The Addiction of Comfort Food

Its very name is appealing – comfort food. What could be more wonderful than a food that helps us feel better? Almost everyone can name something that they eat when they’re just feeling sour or sad. Chinese take-out, chocolate cake, raspberry ice cream, banana pancakes and many others make the list.

Of course, we know that food can’t be the solution to our problems, especially the problem of trying to lose weight and keep it off. So why do we find ourselves trapped in the eat/feel better/feel worse/eat some more cycle?

The Basics

The fact of the matter is that all food makes us feel good. Our bodies are still stuck in the prehistoric period where food was scarce, so we naturally desire to binge until we feel full. Our bodies encourage this by making feeling full a pleasant feeling, and being hungry as unpleasant as possible.

Human psychology takes this a bit further, because we’ve added our emotions into the mix. In addition to our bodies’ natural tendencies to want to eat and feel satisfied, we have mental needs as well. Notice that our workday is very closely married to our eating schedule: We have all the stresses of work lasting all day long, and what do we do when we get breaks? We have lunch, or when we go home we have dinner. Thus the two main periods of the day when we feel relaxed, we eat. This creates a mental association in our head that eating feels good when we feel bad.

The Cycle

It’s easy to see how this can lead to cyclic behavior. We get into a habit, day in and day out, of eating when we’re just getting ready to relax. Once we’ve associated the two for more than thirty days or so, we do it automatically.

Then, something particularly bad happens, and we just feel awful, so we reach for a food that we know makes us feel particularly fine. This is why so many comfort foods are decadent treats; we want to make ourselves happier than usual and we want to feel like we’re “treating” ourselves because we’ve earned it after a hard day.

Then, a few hours later, we feel guilty about the cake we binged on, and this makes us nervous and upset, and since we’re programming ourselves to feel hungry when we’re upset… well, we all know what comes next.

The Interrupt

The first part of breaking a bad habit is to stop the repetition of it as a reflex. Remember to use the STOP method as a verbal way of getting control of yourself. Say “stop” aloud. Take a break from the thing stressing you out. Own your outcome: Remind yourself what you’re trying to achieve. Praise yourself for what you’ve accomplished so far.

Using index cards, write down suggestions for your break that have nothing to do with food. Perhaps a quick round of solitaire on the computer, or a brief read of a favorite chapter of a book will help. Alternatively you could put on some quiet music if it’s convenient to do so.

The Substitution

Part two of healthy habit building is the substitution of good habits for bad ones. We’ve already interrupted the reflexive snacking that we reach for, now it’s time to put something definitively in its place.

Write down some of your favorite substitutions on the same index cards that you used for break ideas. Remember how we discussed water as part of a way of controlling appetite? It can have the same benefit here. If you feel reflexively hungry for comfort food, have a nice tall glass of water in slow, steady sips over five minutes. This will give you the feeling of being full without the calories.

Consider tying each substitution you make to a certain emotion. We feel upset in specific ways, so we should have specific solutions rather than general ones. If getting shouted at unexpectedly makes you antsy, consider taking a quick walk to burn some of the energy. If something comes up that makes you feel sad, pick an activity you know makes you cheerful.

If we simply rely on general solutions, they won’t feel as meaningful or helpful. Specific ones that we use in exact circumstances have the power to create more of a connection, and thus become more of a habit.

This is a necessary step because it’s hard to use the method of “same time every day” to build this habit, as we don’t always know when we’re going to want comfort food. But the fact that familiarity builds repetition can be used to our advantage with a little creative thinking.

Get Support

Remember that we haven’t gone into this effort alone. We have support groups we can talk to. If comfort eating is becoming a challenge to your efforts to lose weight, tell your support buddy about it. Ask them for help in coming up with the creative substitutions that will keep you from overeating. Ask them if they mind being a comfort-friend in addition to a support partner, and if they can come with you on impromptu excursions to relax instead of comfort eating.

Author’s Note: Article published here.

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Larry Tobin is the co-creator of http://www.HabitChanger.com/, offering effective and empowering solutions for stopping stress. Try our 42-day program that will help you learn proactive habits to beat stress and keep you moving forward in the right direction.

Read more articles written by Larry Tobin

Stop Stressing – Stressors and Themes

We’ve talked about stress and the elements that bring it into our lives, or stressors. Identifying our stressors can be a powerful first step, for obvious reasons – if we know what’s giving us grief, we can take steps to put it out of our way, resolve it or come to terms with it. Even in the cases where we can’t totally remove a stressor, such as a confrontational coworker, we can find ways to moderate its influence. In the case of such a coworker, for instance, we might find time to talk things out with them and ask them to ease up, or identify something that’s bothering them and help reduce it in hopes that they become more amenable.

One of the most important ways to identify stressors and their role is to figure out their theme. A theme is a sort of thread that ties seemingly different elements into the same whole. What seems like many problems is actually just one related, overall problem. Once we know our major stress themes, we can begin taking more appropriate big-picture steps along with smaller ones.

Getting Started

If you’ve been keeping up with your stress log, there’s good news: You’ve already started identifying your stressors!

Remember that we asked you to note down everything, no matter how trivial, that was causing you stress. Record keeping is an important step, because it allows you to see the picture both in terms of raw information and in terms of time elapsed. Now that you have a week or more of information in your log, it’s time to start arranging it by theme. The following themes are in no particular order of importance, as each has an impact on you.

Theme 1 – Time

For this theme, look at the various stressors and see what the times involved with them are. Which ones persisted over the whole week, day after day? Which ones popped up at random but didn’t last very long?

Long-term stressors are those that don’t change: good examples include a major project at work that requires a good deal of your attention and trouble with your car or money issues that make it hard to get important things done. Short-term stressors are those that arise and are dealt with, but still interrupt things even if they’re only around for a day or two.

Theme 2 – People

It’s a fact that most of the stress in our lives comes from other people. From the person who can’t seem to get things done and comes to you for help to the driver who cut you off and nearly caused a wreck to get through a red light, people introduce a random element to our lives that can make coping something similar to a demanding ballet performance.

So, as your next theme, mark down your stressors as related to the people that introduced them. This will allow you to see if any particular names keep popping up. Remember to include the most minor elements too – even if you want to be generous-minded, you’re trying to make a realistic assessment with the log, so don’t exclude someone just because you want to be nice. Even if they a legitimate reason for introducing stress to your life, it’s still stress and you need to be honest about it.

Theme 3 – Places

Humans are an associative species. We don’t realize it all the time, but we often relate our feelings to our location. If we’re always arguing at home, we feel unconsciously uncomfortable when we’re home even if an argument isn’t immediately going on. If we got sick eating a certain food, being around that food again might make us feel sick even if there’s nothing wrong with it this time.

So, write down the places associated with each stressor you come across. See if any major consistencies arise about where your worst stressors seem to be.

Theme 4 – Intensity

How much did a stressor bother you? Did it just annoy you for a few moments, or did it induce an outright panic attack because it was so important and seemed to come out of nowhere? Was your reaction somewhere in between these extremes, or do you tend to go toward the far ends of reaction immediately?

Knowing how much an event affected you is important. Dealing with stress can be done multiple ways; some people like to tackle all the small problems and get them out of the way, others want to dismantle their biggest grievance so they have the energy to handle the rest of the problems that come up during the day. Devise a 1-5 scale of your choosing, and rank your stressors on it accordingly.

Finally, Analyze

Having put all the information into one of these four themes, sit down at the same time each week to go over the information you’ve gathered. Making it an appointment is crucial to turning this into a habit rather than forcing it to fit into your life.

Compare two themes at a time, to start. Do certain people seem to inflict longer-term stressors on you? Do your most intense stressors seem to happen at work, or at home? Compare them in any combination you wish, and you’ll begin to see the patterns emerge. This use of themes will help you identify where the most action is needed, so that you can begin taking steps without feeling lost.

Editor’s Note: This article published here.

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Larry Tobin is the co-creator of http://www.HabitChanger.com/, offering effective and empowering solutions for stopping stress. Try our 42-day program that will help you learn proactive habits to beat stress and keep you moving forward in the right direction.

Read more articles written by Larry Tobin

Losing Weight – A Body in Motion

Newton tells us that a body in motion will stay in motion unless acted upon; likewise, a body at rest will stay at rest until acted upon. This gives us a powerful metaphor for the difficulties of getting into a proper, healthy exercise habit that can help shed weight and keep it off.

Habits can work both for and against us. They build up every single day, one way or another. If we don’t take specific action, we’re going to find ourselves stuck in the bad habits that have held us back for so long. However, if we can break the mold and get ourselves into a good, strong routine of healthy habits, we will find they are much easier to maintain. This applies just as much to exercise as to any other habit we have in mind. Taking it step by step (literally!) can make all the difference in the world.

Step 1 – Start Small, but Start NOW

The nice thing about exercise habit-building is that exercise is actually very easy. It may seem counter-intuitive, but you can start exercising the moment you wake up.

When you wake up, you tend to stretch. Turn this into a routine, rather than a reflex. When you wake up, start with the legs. Rotate the ankles, then flex and stretch the calves and the thighs. Move up to your middle and torso, and work out to your arms, stretching everything from shoulders to fingers. Then reverse the process and work your way back down. This can be done in as little as two or three minutes.

Taking the time to begin exercising right when you wake up gets your mind in a proper, habit building attitude right from the get go. You aren’t fitting it in where you can, but ordering your day around it. Remember that habit-building works best when done at the same time every day, so what better time than first thing each morning?

Step 2 – Every Day, Do Something

We’ve all seen commercials promising spectacular results with a certain machine and 20 minutes of exercise three times a week. While it’s true that even three sessions a week can offer some benefits, it’s hard to build habits when you keep interrupting yourself with days off.

Instead, find a way to exercise just a little, every single day. Power walk to the mailbox and back to the house. Belt out 15 sit-ups and push-ups before you get into the shower or have breakfast. Park further out from work or the store than usual.

These are all small ways you can work “extra” exercise into your day. They build up the mindfulness that every day is an opportunity, and create the associations that make the habit a daily occurrence, rather than a periodic event.

Step 3 – Pick your Time, Keep your Time

While taking extra opportunities for exercise is a good part of healthy workout habits, this can’t be the only tool in your arsenal. The key to habit-building early on is proper scheduling. When we do the same thing at the same time, it builds into the habit we need it to be.

So pick a time every day to do some exercise. It doesn’t always have to be the same exercise, either. You could alternate strength exercises such as push-ups and sit-ups one day with cardio exercises – which are great for burning fat – the next day.

Whichever specific exercise you choose, make sure to stick with it at the same time. Let people know in advance, immediately, once you set your time. Tell them you’d love to visit the new Italian restaurant together or work with them on important projects, but this time is sacrosanct and important to you. Don’t compromise it for anything short of a genuine emergency. Your wishes are just as important as theirs, so treat them with the same respect.

Step 4 – Build on It

So far we’ve discussed a few simple ways to begin working exercise into your life. We start with stretches in the morning and a few light push-ups or sit-ups to get the heart moving. The next step is to increase the difficulty. The number five is a wonderful benchmark. Going from 15 push-ups to 20 is easy to do, only five more, but it provides a measurable step up the ladder of working out. Add five reps or minutes to your routine every few days to see if you can push yourself further, and you’ll be amazed what you can accomplish.

Additionally, you can build on your routine to include others beyond just yourself. We’ve talked before about having a support partner or friend to help encourage you along. If this friend wants to spend some time hanging out, invite them to exercise with you. You can have a nice chat between exercises, and you’ll have the shared experience of doing something that benefits you both, while also having a chance to be with a friend. This will create a pleasurable feeling, and make the appointment to exercise that much more fun to anticipate.

Good luck!

Editor’s Note: This article published here.

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Larry Tobin is the co-creator of http://www.HabitChanger.com/, offering effective and empowering solutions for stopping stress. Try our 42-day weight loss program today and change your life.

Read more articles written by Larry Tobin

Stop Stressing – Finding Choices

It’s hard to make a good choice instead of a bad one. It can be even harder to go back and undo a bad choice that we made some time ago. Instead, many times we stubbornly reinforce it again and again, letting it build up over time to continue burying us in worry, regret and stress.

Now is the time to think differently about all that and allow ourselves to re-evaluate everything we had understood as fact. This is not an easy process, but if we genuinely want to build lifelong habits that will benefit us and reduce the amount of stress in our lives, we have to look seriously at every aspect of those lives and improve them. Nothing can be left unexamined, because everything we are and everything we do affects us.

Step 1 – Question Everything

Nothing is off limits when considering how we want things to improve. Every decision we’ve made has affected our lives in some way.

We have gotten used to assuming that some things are beyond questioning. Perhaps we feel we made the decision so long ago that it’s silly to dig it back up now. They might be too ingrained; we’re so used to living this way and making this choice that we don’t know how we’d do things differently. They might seem too big; how can we ever go about even getting started approaching something like that, let alone changing it?

This attitude is poisonous to good habit making. It allows us to defer mental responsibility, trapping us in a cycle that has left us miserable and stressed out. It is time to break that cycle wide open. Accept that nothing is off-limits to fair consideration, and you’ll have found the first step on the right path.

As the first part of building this habit, every time you find yourself trying to mentally change the subject from something you think is off limits, use the STOP technique and halt your thoughts, then make yourself consider the matter at hand.

Step 2 – Accept Responsibility

Often, we feel powerless about the things that have happened. Yet, every step is a decision. Perhaps you are stuck in a job you don’t like. When was the last time you applied for another one? When was the last time you updated your resume or CV and shopped it around for offers?

Well, you might say, that isn’t my choice. If I could choose, I’d have another job, naturally. But the economy is uncertain and the company’s been loyal, and I don’t feel that it’d be prudent…

These are all understandable reasons, but they are reasons you’re using to make a choice. Regardless of how it might seem, there is no one with a gun forcing you to stay at the job. You can quit if you feel like it. The consequences might seem undesirable, but that’s just information, not something forcing you or taking your choice away.

Every time you feel yourself starting to say you don’t have a choice, use the STOP method again. Take a few breaths, and then make yourself consider the choices you made, and accept that you have brought yourself to where you are. It isn’t an indictment, it’s not a criticism, it’s accepting the truth. The truth is always the best foundation to end bad habits and build good ones.

Step 3 – Consider Choices

It can be frightening thinking about the alternatives to where we are. Regardless of what might be out there for us to seek, what we have now might be attractive all the same. Perhaps it’s not the best, but maybe it works. Sure, we might not make as much money as we could elsewhere, but we make enough, right?

Again, this kind of thinking is trying to put off the matter that needs serious attention. Yes, our circumstances might work in some way now, but then why are we always so stressed? Why do we find ourselves filled with worry and regret all the time? Is the situation really so good if it’s making us miserable?

Once you stop the mental deferment, it is time to consider your choices in life. Start with the most outrageous, just as an exercise tool. Sticking with the notion of a bad job, accept that you can quit. If you want, you can write a letter giving the required notice right this second. Don’t think about the implications or consequences; just accept the fact that you do have the final choice in the matter, if you wish it.

Step 4 – Contextualize Choices

Now that you’ve reached the point of being able to accept your responsibility for things and consider the possible choices you have, it’s time to refine the matter.

Perhaps quitting the job isn’t the best idea right out of the gate. It’s nice to know you have the option, but does that create a practical reality? Perhaps not. Instead, consider what else you can do. Maybe instead of quitting, you want to volunteer for extra training that will get you a manager bump. Or you could update your resume after all and put it on a resume website, just to see what responses you get. Or perhaps you could ask for a bonus or raise, based on your performance.

Either way, you have a choice in the matter. Choose to confront your situation honestly, and you will see the choices open up wide before you. Only then can you begin making those choices that will make your life better, one small and serious step at a time.

Author’s Note: Previously published here.

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Larry Tobin is the co-creator of http://www.HabitChanger.com/, offering effective and empowering solutions for stopping stress. Try our 42-day program that will help you learn proactive habits to beat stress and keep you moving forward in the right direction.

Read more articles written by Larry Tobin

Stop Stressing – Using Systems to Gain Control

So far, we’ve been focusing on using small steps and independent techniques to help deal with the stress which piles up in our lives. We know about using the STOP method to interrupt difficult thoughts, or to get our attention where we need it instead of where it’s trying to go. We know about taking down notes in our stress log so that we can see where problems are building up. We know about scheduling our events around consistent times and not letting our schedules get derailed. Each of these techniques is a good and proper one for dealing with stress.

However, there is another technique that takes advantage of all the things we’ve talked about and makes them even more effective. This technique is called “system building.”

What is it?

System building is a method of taking all of your different techniques and applying them in an organized way, so that instead of reacting to stress as it comes up, you can head it off beforehand and minimize its presence in your life at all.

Why do I need it?

Studies show that humans are best suited for routines. Yes, we all crave a little change and excitement, but the best way to live day in and day out is in a stable yet adaptable routine. A routine is in fact a kind of system, built from our habits and usual practices to deal with the things that come up.

Where stress comes in is when our system fails a little. We try to graft something right on top of our existing routine and system, instead of bringing it inside where it’s part of things. We think about it as an outside imposition, rather then a necessary part of our routine, and thus we struggle against it and find ourselves stressing out.

How do I do it?

This is the beautiful part. If you’ve been following the program so far, you’re already doing it. It’s the step-by-step process of integrating the things we’ve already learned about, as mentioned above.

Step 1 – Go Through the Log

Now that you’ve had time to let your stress log develop, sit down and look through it. More than likely, you’re noticing a handful of patterns that keep popping up. Whatever form it takes, this is the sort of stress that comes up again and again, and isn’t likely to just stop if it’s ignored.

Without recriminations, take a separate piece of paper and notice all the events that come up more than once or twice. List all the inconveniences that keep popping up to hinder your stress-reduction efforts, along with a note of how often you have to deal with them.

Step 2 – Write Down Your Routine

Set aside the list of repeat stresses for a moment. Starting with the bare minimum events, list out your routine for the day. Start with when you get up, including important steps like meals, work, travel time and the like. List approximately how long each takes, and what times you usually engage in these activities.

Step 3 – Assign Times

Now that you have these two frameworks written out, it’s time to combine the two.

Remember that having specific times to do things is the strongest way to build a routine. Equally, trying to squeeze in events that are stressful without making them part of a scheduled timeframe is a way to amplify stress. Therefore, take advantage of scheduling to help reduce the impact of stressful events.

For example, some of us might be going to school to get that all-important degree. However, real life often gets in the way and few of us have the luxury of going to school full time without other matters to deal with. Thus, schoolwork gets shoved around until the last minute, and then we’re panicking and it’s stressing us out more than it needs to.

Instead, find a time between work and school, and schedule it as an inviolate time to sit down and tackle at least one part of your homework. Set an alert on your computer or cell phone if the reminder will help, and sit down to do the work. Make sure it’s the same time every day to emphasize that part of your routine.

Then, after only three weeks of this, it is likely that you will have internalized the event. It will no longer be “oh, nuts, I forgot homework…” Instead, it will feel like a part of your life, something that belongs to you and is firmly under your control.

Step 4 – Delegate!

As much as the world wants us to believe that we can all be supermen and do everything we put our minds to, we cannot. We’re human beings with limits, needs, and distinct abilities – and that is OK. There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging our limits.

Maybe the house is just too messy to tackle on our own. Between work, school, the family and trying to exercise more often, we just don’t have the energy to get to it, but we don’t want it to get worse, either. Hire someone. Offer a friend a meal and 25 bucks to help you tear through the garage, or hire a short-term housecleaner while you get your schedule in order.

Whatever way you do it, asking for help is not a weakness, it’s a tool in your kit of ways to reduce stress. Once you know what you can handle, don’t feel bad about delegating the rest to others.

Editor’s Note: Article previously published here.

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Larry Tobin is the co-creator of http://www.HabitChanger.com/, offering effective and empowering solutions for stopping stress. Try our 42-day program that will help you learn proactive habits to beat stress and keep you moving forward in the right direction.

Read more articles written by Larry Tobin

Stop Stressing – External Checks on Internal Perceptions

It’s very easy to take our perception as reality. We see a wall six feet away, we say it’s six feet away. We feel hot, we say it is hot. The problem is, perceptions are a matter of perspective and information. Suppose someone who’s usually cheerful at work comes in and is much more curt than usual while greeting you. The instinctive response is to wonder if they’re mad at you for some reason. But perhaps they simply have a headache, or a sore throat, or have been dealing with crises ever since waking up. Or maybe they were just distracted. Either way, having more information improves the authenticity of our perceptions.

This is one of the most important stress management tools available in our toolkit. We have a tendency to be our own worst critics, particularly when we make mistakes. We do something wrong, a minor problem arises and then everyone but us moves on. We dwell on it and beat ourselves up, and make more trouble for ourselves than is necessary – all while no one else likely remembers it.

Therefore, let’s look at a healthy habit we can build to help combat our internal perceptions with external information.

Step One – Resolve the Problem

Taking care of whatever it was that triggered the event is always a good first step. If you forgot to file something, file it the moment you remember. If you inadvertently hurt someone, apologize for the slight, and so on.

Getting the immediate meat of the problem dealt with can help change the way we consider things. Yes, we made a mistake. However, we also corrected that mistake promptly and took the time to make things right. This is a powerful piece of ammunition in battling internal misperceptions, so make a habit of immediately solving what problems you can take care of.

Step Two – Think it Through

If your problems are still bothering you after you’ve taken care of any immediate matters, it’s time to think them through critically. Ask yourself why you’re worrying so much about them. Ask yourself if anyone else has been bothered by it as long as you have.

Part of this exercise includes a writing step. Take out two cards. On the first card, write down the three categories that are most bothering you. This could be anything, ranging from your productivity at work, your friendliness and so forth. Then rate these 1-5 on the first card, with 1 being negative, 3 being neutral and 5 being positive. This will give you an idea of how you feel about things in a relatively objective fashion.

Step Three – Gather Information

Remember when we asked you to find a support person in your family or friends to help you with things? Take them the second, blank, card and ask them to rate it without telling them your ratings. Once you have the information, compare the notes and see if there’s a difference in the numbers. Usually, since we’re our own harshest critics, we’ll find that we’ve rated ourselves worse than our support person.

Step Four – Talk it Out

If there isn’t much of a difference, it’s time to talk. Ask them for advice, or information on what the problem might be. Sometimes an external word can offer you a perspective on solving your problem that makes things simpler.

However, in most cases you’ll find that you’ve rated yourself much harder than your support partner. In this case, it is also time to talk. Before you tell them how you feel, ask them if they could tell you their reasons for their ratings about the matter. Listen carefully, and use their words to silence your inner critic. Let them know how you rated yourself and why. Then just have a frank talk about things and see what advice they have to offer, or whether just talking helps calm you down.

This is the part of the process that breaks the internal loop. You suddenly have new information that changes what you have to think about. As in the above example, just a little thought and a little external input makes you see things that were always there, but that may not have been as obvious before. This conversation session is where some of the best results can be had.

Step Five – Repeat and Adjust

Whenever you find yourself falling prey to that negative spiral of self-critique, ask your support partner for a comparison check. Use the card the first few times, and make sure to compare how often and how much your opinion and your supporter’s differ. Later, you can do aside with this step and begin just having the conversations, once you feel more comfortable.

As you keep repeating this step, you can see the trends in your thinking and the trends in your partner’s thinking. This will allow you to make decisions about things, and be able to honestly tell yourself that you’re overreacting, and thinking about things in a way that no one else does. This will let you quiet those troublesome thoughts and bring your perceptions under control.

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Larry Tobin is the co-creator of http://www.HabitChanger.com/, offering effective and empowering solutions for stopping stress. Try our 42-day program that will help you learn proactive habits to beat stress and keep you moving forward in the right direction.

Read more articles written by Larry Tobin

Losing Weight and Building Confidence

Having confidence in your goal is important. It’s tough to stick to something we don’t believe we can do, after all. We’ve talked in other articles about how easy it is to get frustrated, and about controlling negative thoughts in our effort to build up good and healthy habits. We’ve also talked about rewards and incentives, but we haven’t really spoken about the best means of confidence boosting and building a habit of strong thinking itself.

Just like all of our other behaviors, confidence also is a habit. It’s a way of thinking that, if we cultivate it properly, will become automatic. People with more confidence try more things, take more risks and have more experiences overall than those of us without it. So let’s look at a few ways we can cultivate that kind of confidence for ourselves.

Confidence Booster 1 – Knowing Your Abilities

Honesty is the most important part of having a proper confidence habit. There are things we definitely can do, and things we definitely cannot. We can believe all we want that eating while standing up “doesn’t count,” but the calories still go in! Similarly, just because we’re afraid that we can’t do something doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true. We might be convinced that we’ll drown the moment we go into a pool, but stepping into the water will prove we’re wrong.

To that end, sit down with yourself and go over your goals and steps you’ve broken your diet plan down into. Look at each one, and come up with two different things that might get in your way of achieving them. Then immediately write down one way you know you can circumvent each potential problem. If it’s a friend who insists on super whippy frothy coffee desserts, consider asking them if you can meet at a different venue while you’re working on your weight loss.

Do this every single day. Pick out a specific goal, one obstacle and a resolution to that obstacle every morning when you get started. This will get your mind in the habit of thinking about your abilities and what you can do with them, rather than the problems and confidence-crushing hindrances that slow you down. Make sure you do it at the same time every morning to strengthen the habit-building potential of it.

Confidence Booster 2 – Review Your Successes

Nothing in the world boosts confidence like success. Verbal affirmations of your self worth are a good step, but they’re infinitely more powerful when you have something to reflect on when you make them. Equally, successes become more meaningful when rewarded with congratulations, yet often we are the ones least inclined to congratulate ourselves. Stop withholding well-deserved praise from yourself and start acknowledging what you’ve done right.

Whenever you take a positive step toward your goal, whether that’s refusing the large portion for the small one or successfully exercising the “wait 20 minutes” option during a snack craving, compliment yourself for it. Whether aloud or in the privacy of your thoughts, praise yourself for a job well done.

At the end of the day, review all the successes you made. You’ve probably already gone over the mistakes, so those don’t need retreading. Instead, focus on each little victory and take pride in it, knowing that it helped you one step along your way.

Confidence Booster 3 – Set Goals and Hit Them Again

Repetition and routine are the best methods of solidifying a good, powerful habit that will help when losing weight. We’ve discussed setting goals, and complimenting yourself for achieving them, so now let’s talk about repeating them. After all, what’s more impressive – hitting the bull’s eye, or hitting it 10 times?

To that end, take some time when you wake up to remember the successes from yesterday. After pausing to compliment yourself again for them, affirm that you’re going to take the same step today. You did it once, after all; it’s entirely within your grasp to do it again. If you think you can, go a step further and affirm an expansion to the goal as well.

This pattern will help you build a habit of consistently seeing your accomplishments as something that you can do and have done, and make you want to do them again. Then, as you get comfortable hitting the mark, you’ll naturally want to expand it, hitting a higher goal, until it becomes the one you meet every day.

Confidence Booster 4 – Review the Plan

An interesting study recently showed that people who focus only on their end goal don’t tend to succeed as much as those who focus on the goal and the steps in between. Yes, we all want to get to a place where we feel better, and fit into a nicer set of clothes, but if we choose to focus only on the little swimsuit, we’re going to inevitably look at ourselves and think, “How will I ever…”

Remember that you have a plan. You’re not trying to make a leap; you’ve got many small steps in between that you’re going to take. You don’t have to lose fifty pounds today; you just have to replace your usual afternoon candy bar with a healthy sandwich, or a pack of low-salt nuts. You can take that step – that’s easy! By reviewing the plan, and focusing both on the intermediate steps AND the goal, you make the goal seem that much more approachable, and you will find your confidence soaring.

Author’s Note: This article published here.

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Larry Tobin is the co-creator of http://www.HabitChanger.com/, offering effective and empowering solutions for stopping stress. Try our 42-day weight loss program at weight loss program today and change your life.

Read more articles written by Larry Tobin

Stop Stressing – Don’t Look Back

The past can be a problematic albatross to carry around. We’ll forget where we left our keys 20 minutes ago, but ask us to remember an embarrassing moment from our childhood and it will come to mind like a flash. For some reason, we seem incredibly predisposed toward reminiscing over troubling events. We replay and replay them in our minds until we can’t focus on anything else but feeling mortified and wondering if we made the right decision.

Simply trying not to think about the problem doesn’t necessarily help, either. Studies suggest that simply trying to ignore a thought process doesn’t work; in fact, it can lead to thinking more about the very thing we’re trying to forget. This builds and builds, until we’re so worried about the past that we can’t live in the present like we’re meant to, and the stress of things that aren’t relevant anymore is still tearing us apart.

What’s needed is a system – a way of approaching the problem piece by piece and addressing each part until we can settle it logically.

Step One – Interrupt the Thoughts

As we’ve discussed before, good habits can be built on other good habits. They reinforce one another, each one making the others stronger and more resilient. To that end, if you find yourself endlessly replaying your bad conversations, interrupt the cycle with the STOP method we’ve discussed before.

Say “Stop” aloud: This verbal affirmation serves as a trigger for the habit and a reminder to yourself.

Take a Breath and a Breather: Give yourself a few seconds to practice your deep breathing habit and get your body’s physical responses under control, then take five minutes to unwind and explicitly focus on something uplifting and soothing.

Own Your Outcome: Remember to list several of the goals you’ve set for yourself, as well as the next step you’re going to take to make them yours.

Praise Yourself: Go over what you’ve accomplished thus far, including the most recent steps you’ve taken toward your goals.

Again, this will reinforce the strength of the STOP method overall, allowing you to integrate it more fully into your habit-building process. After thirty days of practice, it will seem like second nature.

Step Two – Analyze the Thoughts

Remember that thinking things through logically helps defeat illogical worries and unnecessary stresses. If we can contextualize the problems we’re dealing with, they can’t do as much damage and never seem quite as worrying as they did before we thought them through.

Once you’ve used the STOP method, take a moment to go over your thoughts thus far, piece by piece.

First, ask yourself why the event happened the way it did. Look at the whole matter fairly and objectively. What reasons could the other parties have had for reacting like they did? What are some good reasons they might have had, and what are some bad ones? Why did you react the way you did? What were your reasons, good or bad?

Be fair in your assessment, both to yourself and the other party. There’s nothing to be gained from inaccurate, angry criticism. To make this an approachable habit that’s easy to integrate, break it into small steps. First, think about the problem as a whole, then list one good and bad reason for your actions and the other parties’ actions. Three easy steps make this a habit that’s simple to adopt.

Step Three – Make a Wish

Now that you’ve gotten the problem into context, consider ways to use it as a learning experience. Given the benefit of time, distance and perspective, what do you wish you had done instead?

Worrying about and regretting the choice you made is a good sign that you might have made the wrong choice, so take some time to consider it. Was there something you might have said that would have made more sense? Would a calmer reaction have made the situation better? Write down several wishes you have for how the situation might have gone instead.

Also, consider another option. If one of your wishes can be fulfilled now, do so! Even late, good actions are a great way to make amends.

Step Four – Resolve to do Better

With the scope of the problem firmly in mind, and with your wishes stated for how it might have gone instead, it’s time to take the next step. Very specifically, write down your biggest regrets about the situation. Confront your worries realistically, be they about the situation itself, about how you handled it or about what’s come about as a result of the encounter. Then make a decision about each one.

If your problem was your tone, dedicate yourself to exercising control of your voice the next time you have an argument. If your regret lies in not listening, resolve to be more attentive to what others have to say every time you speak to someone. Then tear the paper up and set it aside. If the worries try to push themselves back into your head, say “that was then, this is now,” and find a way to act on one of your affirmative resolutions.

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Larry Tobin is the co-creator of http://www.HabitChanger.com/, offering effective and empowering solutions for stopping stress. Try our 42-day program that will help you learn proactive habits to beat stress and keep you moving forward in the right direction.

Read more articles written by Larry Tobin

Stop Stressing – Breathe Deep

Everyone knows how important breathing is to the body. In an emergency, we can go weeks without food and several days without water or sleep. We won’t be in the best of health, but it is possible to survive without these necessities in a pinch. However, anyone who goes more than a few seconds without breathing begins to feel incredibly uncomfortable!

Breathing is central to the way the body processes energy, for a start. Oxygen processed by the lungs is used to release energy from stored cells, just like it releases heat energy in the form of fire. This is why we find ourselves breathing faster in a crisis – our body senses that we might need energy quickly and is stepping up production.

Knowing this, we can turn breathing from something that just happens automatically into a powerful, stress-controlling habit that allows us to regulate the way our body processes its energy. By focusing and steadying our breathing to a slower, more reasonable pace, we reduce the rush of energy we’re experiencing and bring our emotions more under control. For those of us looking to reduce stress in our lives, following are a few tips on how to make breathing into a life-affirming habit.

Tip #1 – Practice!

Breathing is largely an automatic system, making the idea of practicing seem a bit odd at first. However, all habits take some time to fit into our lives. For example, consider our S.T.O.P. method: It has a very specific purpose, but it can be awkward the first few times we use it. However, by using it and practicing it whenever we can, we soon find it becoming second nature.

As with all important habits, timing is key. Schedule a specific time of the day that you will practice your breathing. It doesn’t have to be a long period, any specific time set aside becomes cemented in the mind with only a few repetitions. The key is to make it the same time every day, to help mold the habit into the flow of your life.

Tip #2 – Go Slow

As we said earlier, breathing quickly releases more energy. Nervous energy is a big part of negative stress, so take advantage of slowing your breathing to help control it.

During your exercise time, take a moment to lie down. Start small, with an easy step that you can manage. Breathe in, counting to three as you do, and then exhale for three seconds as well. Continue doing this until it feels comfortable and natural, and then gradually increase the time by three seconds. Never force it, if you feel that six or nine seconds is too long, go back to a smaller interval. As with all habits, shocking your body is not the way to do it – give yourself time to adjust and adapt.

Tip #3 – Use the S.T.O.P. Method

In another article, we discuss the S.T.O.P. method of controlling negative emotions. There is a wonderful opportunity to combine the S.T.O.P. method and breathing control into the same process, helping reinforce each habit with the other. Habits are strongest when they’re part of an integrated system, rather than standing on their own.

So, when negative thoughts come to mind and you reach for the S.T.O.P. process, take a slow, measured breath as well. Breathe in slowly, and exhale slowly, repeating several times to relax yourself. Your feelings of calm and relaxation will make the S.T.O.P. method more effective, and the S.T.O.P. instinct will remind you that breathing is important as well.

Tip #4 – Be Observant

Taking time to control your breathing every day is important, but equally important is observing how stress affects your breathing, and vice versa.

Throughout your day, take a few seconds here and there to see how your breathing compares between different events. Do you breathe differently at the beginning of the day compared to the end? How did the big surprise project that came up at work affect your breathing rhythm? How much did using a breath control technique help you cope with sudden changes? Knowing little things like this can help you adjust your breathing exercises for the maximum effect that you need.

Tip #5 – Take a Breather… Literally

You don’t need to reserve breath control methods for crisis situations. Yes, breath control is a valuable tool in these events, and can help you calm down. Conversely, it can also help you perk up and get the lift you need when you feel overwhelmed.

If you’re in the middle of a big project, but have a few seconds to take a break, remember to work a short breathing exercise into the moment. It doesn’t have to be long, simply give yourself one minute to practice breathing in and out in short, measured pulses. This will help you moderate and control the energy you’re using and will relieve that ‘long grind’ tension that can come with a tough work day.

Above all, take every opportunity to practice that you can find. Stick to one five-minute breathing workout per day, but also find time to stop, take a steadying breath and then continue on when you can. The extra effort will make the 30 days it takes to solidify this habit seem to breeze right by.

Editor’s Note: Also published here.

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Larry Tobin is the co-creator of http://www.HabitChanger.com/, offering effective and empowering solutions for stopping stress. Try our 42-day program that will help you learn proactive habits to beat stress and keep you moving forward in the right direction.

Read more articles written by Larry Tobin

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